The Haunted Time


“If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother”. – Sigmund Freud

I have traversed time, flown across a great divide, hastened shadows of unknown kinds, to seek answers to questions in the haunted time. To find out why I dream of this house and you. To tear the curtain in the temple that keeps me blind. Mom I have come from the future in search of a find.

She is hidden in great darkness, a silhouette, no face, a gloom that attaches itself against my heart but not my soul or grace. A chill beyond that upstairs door, where no one can escape. A depression lost in crying on a toilet in disgrace. A something unpleasing, a matriarchal glaze, a father standing silent, chastened by her distaste. I climb the stairs in quietness, no expression on my face, the yellow carpet under me, knows I am out of place. I have come back now, called by your ghost of grasp and tow, trying to find the reasons why I was born and how. I have trapsed through time, my life shattered undefined, my heart lonelier than all past rhymes, to understand you. Another corner to the dream of tombs, the quickened of my heartbeat way too soon. For what if after all this time. I should find the answer was denied by that not known by you.

So suddenly now, with distant sounds of a lost heartache, I find you sitting in your own mistake, not knowing what to do. “Jesus must have come, and it’s too late”, I hear you wail, as tears of sorrow run down your face, I find myself transfixed by a bathroom door. Outside the wind shapes a different landscape, but you do not notice in your forsake, self-induced depression what are you crying for. The ghost of time in me, that child that lives in dread not seen, wants to please, not know you in that inward terror that you believe. I see you and me, worst of all I see what could be, what was selfish not given in those years. And I want to leave, transfer myself to a current age, but for just a moment I stand still caged.

The whisper near, drawn from a better sphere, known as good to some, known to me. The small still voice capturing time and belief, entering life and seed entering me. Something more than words has brought me here, back in time to understand my mother’s fears. For here in this haunted time, forever forward in ties that bind, I will love her and me. It is enough to set me free.

I have traversed time, flown across a great divide, hastened shadows of unknown kinds, to seek answers to questions in the haunted time. To find out why I dream of this house and you. To tear the curtain in the temple that keeps me blind. Mom I have come from the future in search of a find. – 10.13.21 – דָּנִיֵּאל

78 thoughts on “The Haunted Time

  1. Daniel … I too had a mother with severe depression, and what you have written here lays my child’s heart bear… the dread unseen, wanting to please… may your journey with the still small voice continue to plant seeds that free you of the dread that was not yours to carry, so that you may be bound only by the ties of love… 🙏🏼jen

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Dear Daniel,

    Although not the happiest of subjects, depression in a parent or any care giver certainly has an effect on a child. You have handled it beautifully and with love in this wonderful piece. I thank you for it, as it effects me as well.

    Ruby

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It would appear there are many of us here who can identify with your words. I too love my mother but her pain was an incredible hill for my psyche to climb over. I too thank you for your words. Love does set us free.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Daniel, came back this morning to reread this. Brain was fogged last night. You have done the most amazing job here of a very difficult and painful part of your life. And ‘love always is enough to set you free’. And that you have is the thing that counts over everything.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Wow you reached me in a wounded place with this piece. I saw myself in so many of your words with both my parents, so long ago. I will reach as you have reached. I know understanding it is not enough, hopefully forgiveness is.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. as your song choice says…Right on Time 🙂
    i wandered seven years in memories i still don’t understand,
    i can’t change them, and i wouldn’t if i could,
    my reaction was a whisper to the wind,
    I have no regrets, i won’t forget
    time was set
    before we met
    i learned so much of my mom these years
    i wouldn’t change a tear
    Thank You for sharing an insight Daniel
    your words strike a chord or two, well perhaps more
    Take Care…You Matter…
    Blessings
    mary

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Pingback: The Haunted Time – Nelsapy

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