Songbird (OCD)


“My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened” – Michel de Montaigne

I tell him he’s a songbird when he’s terrified, not a simple canary, no not that. Rather he’s a Hawk, a screaming raptor, that hunts symphony, that looks through the patterns of confused stanzas, and bad timing, and finds perfection. For he, this son of mine is perfection. He has flown to great heights, and yes, he has skimmed the valley floors. Tasted clay, envisioned horror. It is there we begin.

First it comes when he’s dreaming, and it takes the dream away. In its moves insidious it turns water into clay. It wraps the things up he loves to do and binds them first with string. Layer upon layer it then becomes rope and finally barb wire that stings. It tests the singing of his angels, until their sound becomes such pain. Night after night they come until, he holds his head screaming as if he’s insane. It blocks off every open space to make a puzzle of dark disdain. “For everything there is an answer”, It whispers, “it’s a fire to a flame”. “Turn the lock just one more time to drive that itch away”. He has heard there are many troubles and diagnosis of mental ache, but nothing beats the worn-out torture of neon thoughts of personal pain.

Sometimes he mourns the private artist that person who rode his silent range. A wild boy inside chasing rainbows so playful in his games. Then it came and brought its people, the nightmares of made up shame. Twisted turned, and bound his anger made his pathway narrow and strained.

I tell him he’s a songbird, in a deep, dark mine, finding the right, tracing invisible paths of oxygen until he breaks into the light of day. Then he’s a raptor, a bird who seeks prey, and he rescues that which was long ago taken away.

I know for now he looks at trouble, at daemons night and day, those thoughts of dripping blood and agony, he wishes would just go away. I wish it too as his Dad, I wish I could take them away, but damn it G_D expects him to fly and challenge what’s in his way. For there is no amount of medicine or therapy that can heal what is a shade. That, is the road of what was chosen by another lord of judgement gray.

For now, I tell him he’s a songbird, that sings a note that’s unheard in the fray, a melody that will soon turn into lightning, and strike the fright to day. When all the world has stopped to listen, his mind storms arranged and stayed.  This thing that takes his pleasure will  bend to his vision, and he will be okay.  My songbird will be okay . – 04.02.2019 – דָּנִיֵּאל

 

89 thoughts on “Songbird (OCD)

    • Thank you Ryan, I had not really realized the emotion in the words until I went back today and read the piece. Its pretty rough in places, so I’m happy its getting any response. 😉 I know that’s not what you meant however, and I do appreciate your insight.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Daniel, there are so many great life lessons in this piece, but none greater than love and support your children no matter the outcome of what life throws your way. Thank you for sharing this.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Daniel, I see this not as a heartbreaking story, although I am sure the elements are there for that. Rather I see it as a triumphant march to victory. I celebrate with you. My best, Ginger

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dear Daniel, there is such a sweetness to this post. The pain is there in what your son suffers through, but your knowledge of his victory can only come from Hashem. How wonderful. I send my prayers to you and your family, Shalom, Erin ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I almost wept through this post Daniel. Almost but not quiet, simply because there is an underlying thread of toughness and courage, that I know without a doubt your son will prevail. I am in much admiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dear Daniel, this is an amazing story and tribute to a relationship that carry’s bonds that cannot be broken by anything. Your family must be filled with so much strength. I celebrate with you. ❤ Ruby

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Daniel, I was deeply touched by this writing of yours. Nothing hurts more than to watch a child in torment and to be helpless to bring resolve or comfort. I continue to be in awe of your faith, and I believe you will see the positive results you predict. As always I thank you for bringing to my attention another topic that impacts so many fine people. Bill

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Bill, Thank you my friend for your wonderful comment. i agree when your child is in pain even if they are an adult, you want to move mountains to help them. Hurts when you can’t. Thank you for your positive outlook. Makes my day.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Daniel your outlook often has made my day, so I am happy I could help. Situations always improve when there is love involved. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Daniel, Thank you for this wonderful heartfelt piece. I shared with you before my own experiences with a son who has special needs. I am so fortunate to have a man in my life that treats him well and has a relationship with my son that is in many ways similar to what you have with your son. Best wishes and thanks again. A

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Brother, there is a strength in this great writing of yours that speaks to your bond with Hashem. I read and marvel, and am filled with your families strength from reading your words. As always you are in my prayers. Den

    Liked by 1 person

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